Welcome to the November Carnival of Natural Parenting: Kids in the Kitchen
This post was written for inclusion in the monthly Carnival of Natural Parenting hosted by Hobo Mama and Code Name: Mama. This month our participants have shared how kids get involved in cooking and feeding. Please read to the end to find a list of links to the other carnival participants.
There are two opposite schools of thought when it comes to kids in the kitchen. First, there’s the safety-conscious parent. These parents might let kids help in the kitchen, but only with constant supervision. Kids with these parents cook in carefully prepared environments: the parent gathers the materials, clears the counter of any potential dangers, and sets up a supervised activity that the kid can do–usually something along the lines of pouring or stirring something.
The other school of thought is what I think of as the Montessori mindset, in which food and cooking utensils are made available to kids all the time from a young age. Kids can help themselves to materials and food–and they can clean up the mess, too.
If you’ve ever read this blog before, then you’ll have no trouble guessing that I fall into the second category. Or at least I’d like to.
The only trouble is that my daughter seems to prefer the first category.
This tends to be a pattern with us.
Many critics of attachment parenting argue that it encourages dependence. But for me, one of the attractions of attachment parenting was my belief that it would foster independence. Much as I say I value community, I love independence as a character trait–especially in kids. Both during my own childhood and as an adult working with kids, I’ve always been drawn to kids who are bold, outgoing, and independent–kids who step out against the crowd and do things on their own. And to me, it made sense that a baby whose need for attachment and dependence were fully met would grow into a child who is capable, brave, and independent.
And while I do think my daughter is capable and brave, well, she’s not the most independent kid on the block. Not yet, anyway.
At age three, my daughter has just started playing by herself. Occasionally. For brief periods. She’s been out of diapers for two years, but she will rarely use the toilet on her own. (Most of the time, she wants me to carry her to the bathroom, pull her pants, down, and set her on the toilet. She will sit on the couch screaming that she needs to pee until I finally take her to the toilet. When you are seven months pregnant, this gets annoying.) She learned to dress herself at 18 months, but she frequently insists that I help choose her outfits and put them on her. (She wants me to get the clothes out for her and put them on her. Also annoying when you’re seven months pregnant. And heaven forbid that I choose the wrong clothes. Sometimes it takes ten minutes for us to agree on a pair of underwear.) There are hundreds of moments throughout the day when she insists that I help her with something she’s perfectly capable of doing on her own. No matter how much I set up her environment to enable her to do it herself, she still wants me to do it for her.
And while I know it’s normal for a three year old to waver constantly between clinginess and independence, it still drives me nuts.
The kitchen is just another example of this pattern. For a while we had a mini-fridge solely for my daughter’s use. This seemed at the time like a brilliant idea. I planned to keep it stocked with snacks she could help herself to and prepare. I filled it with fruit, cheese, and little pitchers of water, in true Montessori fashion. I put a shelf next to it with bowls, plates, and utensils, in the hopes that she would slice herself a piece of cheese or serve herself some strawberries whenever she was hungry. But it didn’t work out that way. Occasionally she would help herself–if I reminded her that it was there–but most of the time, she still wanted me to serve her. And we all know that when your child is melting down from hunger, it’s a bad time to push for independence in snack preparation. So I would get the snack out of her fridge, serve it to her, and sometimes even feed it to her.
Now she’s big enough to get herself food out of the regular fridge, and she will do it–occasionally. More often, though, she begs me to do it for her. Last week she announced that she was going to make herself a peanut butter and jelly sandwich for breakfast. I was so thrilled at her initiative that I didn’t even think of questioning her breakfast menu. But fifteen minutes later (I spent that time getting dressed, brushing my teeth, and carefully giving her time and space to attempt the task on her own), she called for me to help. When I came to the kitchen, she hadn’t attempted to make the sandwich. She wanted me to get out all the ingredients and the plate, and then, she said, she would help me spread the jelly. Which meant that she would hold my hand while I spread the jelly. Because holding the knife by herself was too hard.
Should I be disappointed that my daughter doesn’t want to make a mess in the kitchen? Of course not. When she was an infant, I never for a moment questioned her absolute dependence on me or her constant need to be held and to nurse. Now that she’s older, and especially now that I’m pregnant, I often feel an urge to push her toward independence. But deep down I know that she’s still in the middle of transitioning from babyhood to childhood. There are still many, many days, and many moments throughout the day, when she still wants–and needs–to be babied. I need to honor that.
There are times when she does take initiative, and right now I’m always thrilled by those moments. Even when they’re mishaps. Like the time in my first trimester of pregnancy when I let her watch a movie so I could take a much-needed nap. I was awake when the movie ended, and I lay in bed, expecting any minute to hear her feet pattering into my room. Because I knew there was no chance she would play by herself even for a minute. When she didn’t come in, I thought she must have fallen asleep. Or, you know, fallen off the couch and gotten knocked unconscious, which sounded a lot more likely than a nap. I went out, a little worried, to check on her, and found her sitting on the couch with a bucket of ice cream on her lap. She was eating it as fast as she could by scooping with both hands. I was so thrilled that she had figured out how to open the freezer door by herself–and so amused by the chocolate all over her–that I could hardly bring myself to take the ice cream away.
And then, sometimes, there are moments when her insistence that she can’t do something alone thrills me too. Because sometimes, her desire for me to help her has nothing to do with her independence. It’s just that she wants to be with me. She may not prepare snacks on her own, but she loves to cook with me. Often, when I announce it’s time to cook dinner, she grabs her stool and pushes it up next to me, eager to help. And so I’m discovering that there’s a third way of bringing kids into the kitchen: a way of community. Just because I’m helping her doesn’t mean I have to do everything for her. And just because she’s helping me doesn’t mean I have to control all the tasks she does. She can wash and chop and stir and measure; she can learn and participate and be truly useful. I struggle to give her the space to do real tasks in the kitchen; much as I love the idea of letting her do it on her own, I have a hard time stepping back when I’m right there beside her and could do it so much quicker myself. But she loves being part of what I’m doing. She loves being with me.
And someday, she will gain that independence that seems so far-off right now. She will have her own kitchen, where she will cook without me, and I will long for the days when she comes back to visit so we can cook together.
Isn’t that connection what family dinner is all about?
Visit Hobo Mama and Code Name: Mama to find out how you can participate in the next Carnival of Natural Parenting!
Please take time to read the submissions by the other carnival participants:
- Baking & letting go — Cooking with kids can be a mess. Nadia at Red White & GREEN Mom is learning to relax, be patient, and have fun with the process.
- Family feeding in Child of Mine — Lauren at Hobo Mama reviews Ellyn Satter’s suggestions for appropriate feeding and points out where her family has problems following through.
- Children with Knives! (And other Kitchen Tools) — Jennifer at True Confessions of a Real Mommy teaches her children how to safely use knives.
- “Mommy, Can I Help?” — Kat at Loving {Almost} Every Moment writes about how she lets her kiddos help out with cooking, despite her {sometimes} lack of patience!
- Solids the Second Time Around — Sheryl at Little Snowflakes recounts her experiences introducing solids to her second child.
- The Adventure of Toddler Tastebuds — The Accidental Natural Mama shares a few things that helped her daughter develop an adventurous palate.
- A Tradition of Love — Kelly at Becoming Crunchy looks forward to sharing the kitchen traditions passed on from her mom and has already found several ways to involve baby in the kitchen.
- The Very Best Classroom — Alicia C. at McCrenshaw’s Newest Thoughts reveals how her kitchen is more than a place to make food – it’s a classroom!
- Raising Little Chefs — Chef Mike guest posts on Natural Parents Network about how he went from a guy who couldn’t cook to a chef who wanted to teach his boys to know how the food we love is made.
- In the Kitchen with my kids — Isil at Smiling like Sunshine shares a delicious soup recipe that her kids love.
- Papa, the Pancake Artist — Papa’s making an incredible breakfast over at Our Mindful Life.
- Kids won’t eat salad? Try this one! — Tat at Mum in Search is sharing her children’s favourite salad recipe.
- Recipe For a Great Relationship — Cooking with kids is about feeding hearts as well as bellies, writes Hannah at Wild Parenting.
- The Ritual of Mealtimes — Syenna at Gently Parenting Twins writes about the significance of mealtimes in her family’s daily rhythm.
- Kid, Meet Food. Food, Kid. — Alburnet at What’s Next? panicks about passing on her food “issues” to her offspring.
- Growing Up in the Kitchen — Cassie at There’s a Pickle in My Life shares how her son is growing up in the kitchen.
- Harvesting Corn and History — From Kenna at School Garden Year: The kids in the school garden harvest their corn and learn how much history grows in their food.
- My Guiding Principles for Teaching my Child about Food — Tree at Mom Grooves uses these guiding principles to give her daughter a love of good food and an understanding of nutrition as well as to empower her to make the best choices for her body.
- Kitchen Control — Amanda at Let’s Take the Metro writes about her struggles to relinquish control in the kitchen to her children.
- Food — Emma at Your Fonder Heart lets her seven month old teach her how to feed a baby.
- Kitchen Fun? — Adrienne at Mommying My Way questions how much fun she can have in a non-functional kitchen, while trying to remain positive about the blessings of cooking for her family.
- Kitchen Adventures — Erica at ChildOrganics shares fun ways to connect with your kids in the kitchen.
- Kids in the Kitchen: Finding the Right Tools — Melissa at Vibrant Wanderings shares some of her favorite child-sized kitchen gadgets and where to find them.
- The Kitchen Classroom — Laura at Authentic Parenting knows that everything your kids want to learn is at the end of the ladle.
- Kids in the Kitchen — Luschka from Diary of a First Child talks about the role of the kitchen in family communication and shares fun kitchen activities for the under two.
- Our Kitchen is an Unschooling Classroom. — Terri at Child of the Nature Isle explores the many ways her kitchen has become a rich environment for learning.
- Montessori-Inspired Food Preparation for Preschoolers — Deb Chitwood at Living Montessori Now shares lots of resources for using Montessori food preparation activities for young children in the kitchen.
- My Little Healthy Eater — Christine at African Babies Don’t Cry shares her research on what is the best first food for babies, and includes a healthy and yummy breakfast recipe.
- Two Boys and Papa in the Kitchen: Recipe for Disaster? — MudpieMama shares all about her fears, joys and discoveries when the boys and handsome hubby took over the kitchen.
- Food choices, Food treats — Henrietta at Angel Wings and Herb Tea shares her family’s relationship with food.
- learning to eat — Catherine at learner mummy reflects on little M’s first adventures with food.
- The Night My 7-Year-Old Made Dinner — Melodie at Breastfeeding Moms Unite! shares how her 7-year-old daughter surprised everyone by turning what started as an idea to play restaurant into pulling off making supper for her family.
- Cooking With a High-Needs Toddler — Sylvia at MaMammalia describes how Montessori-inspired activities and a bit of acceptance have helped her overcome hurdles in cooking while caring for a “high-needs” child.
- Kids in the Kitchen – teaching healthy food choices — Brenna at Almost All The Truth shares her belief in the importance of getting kids into the kitchen using her favorite cookbook for kids to develop healthy food choices now and hopefully into the future.
- Make Milk, Not War — Tamara at Tea for Three remembers the daily food fights as she struggled to feed a picky eater.
- teaching baby birds about good food. — Sarah at Small Bird on Fire writes about the ways in which her family chooses to gently teach their son how to make wise food decisions.
- 5 Ways to Enhance Your Baby or Young Toddler’s Relationship with Food — Charise at I Thought I Knew Mama shares simple ways to give your child a healthy beginning to her lifelong relationship with food.
- Toddler at the Table: 10 Creative Solutions — Moorea at Mamalady shares tips for preventing meal-time power struggles.
- How My Child Takes Responsibility During His Mealtime… — Jenny @ I’m a full-time mummy shares how she teaches and encourages her 32 months old son on adopting good manners and responsibilities during his mealtimes…
- Kids in the Kitchen: 6 Tips Plus a Recipe — Kristin at Intrepid Murmurings shares six tips for overcoming some of the the difficulties of cooking with multiple young sous chefs, and a recipe they all can agree on!
- How BLW has made me a better parent — Zoe at Mummykins shares how baby-led weaning has changed her approach to parenting.
- My Budding Chef — Jenny at Chronicles of a Nursing Mom is no cook but is happy that her daughter has shown an inclination and manages to whip up yummy goodies for their family.
- Kids in the Kitchen: An Activity for Every Age — Gaby from Tmuffin describes how she keeps her kids busy in the kitchen, whether they are one week old or two years old.
- The Phantastically Mutlipurposed Phyllo — Ana at Pandamoly shares how Phyllo is used to create enticing dishes at home! Anything can be made into a Struedel!
- Kitchen Kids — Laura from A Pug in the Kitchen shares her children’s most favorite recipe to make, experience and eat.
- Independence vs. Connection in the Kitchen: won’t you please get yourself your own snack already? — Lisa at Organic Baby Atlanta wishes her daughter would just go make a mess in the kitchen. But her daughter only wants to do it together.
- Grandma Rose’s Kitchen — Abbie at Farmer’s Daughter reminisces about her childhood and dreams of filling her kitchen with people, love, noise, and messes.
- Healthy Food Choices for Kids — Jorje offers one way to encourage children to make their own healthy food choices at MommaJorje.com.
- Cooking food to thrive rather than survive — Phoebe at Little Tinker Tales is trying to foster a lifetime of good food habits by teaching her children about the importance of avoiding junk, cooking healthy meals, and learning about the whole food process.
- Evolution of a self-led eater — Sheila at A Gift Universe shares the story of how her son grew from nursing around the clock to eating everything in sight, without her having to push.
- 10 Ways Tiny Helps In The Kitchen — Jennifer at Hybrid Rasta Mama explores the ways in which her toddler actively participates in kitchen-related activities.
- The Complexity of Feeding a Child — Feeding children a healthy diet is no straight-forward task, but Lisa at My World Edenwild shares some general guidelines to help your child thrive.
- Lactation Cookies — That Mama Gretchen shares a fun recipe that will benefit both mamas and babies!
- 50 of the Best Books, Websites, & Resources to Inspire Kids in the Kitchen — Need inspiration to get your kids in the kitchen? Dionna at Code Name: Mama rounds up some of the best books and websites that can serve as a source for ideas, recipes, and cooking with littles fun.
- A 4-year-old’s smoothie recipe — Jen at Grow With Graces and her son set out to make a smoothie without the usual ingredients. She let him improvise. See how it turned out.
- Independent Food Preparation (My Toddler Can Do That?) — Megan at Montessori Moments shares simple ways for children to prepare their own healthy snacks.
- Follow Your Gut — Amy at Anktangle shares her philosophy about intuitive eating, and how she’s trying to foster her son’s trust in his own inner wisdom when he feels hungry.
- A TODDLER-STYLE LUNCH + RECIPE — Manic Mrs. Stone photographs how to have messy fun during lunchtime with a helpful toddler.