Sleeping through the night. It’s the ultimate goal of the early parenting years, the Holy Grail of baby experts. The road to a full nights’ sleep is a mountain you climb, armed with swaddling blankets, pacifiers, and coffee, until at last you reach the top and get to experience an uninterrupted REM cycle. And then you feel rested. Until you hit the preschool night terrors, which will disturb your sleep until you reach the grade school overcommitment anxiety wakings, which will keep you up till your kid’s a teenager. At which point you will never sleep again.
But in the meantime, you really need at least a couple of nights.
So, you do what the experts tell you to do. You make sure your baby isn’t overtired. You try to follow his emerging nap schedule. You put him down drowsy but awake. You try bedsharing, cosleeping, and sleeping alone. You try every sleep prop on the market, from mobiles to heartbeat teddy bears. But no matter what you do, your baby won’t sleep all night. Why?
I hate to break it to you, but the real reason he won’t sleep all night is because he’s not supposed to. Contrary to everything that experts, other parents, and your own exhausted brain tell you, babies are not supposed to sleep all night. Most babies don’t. If their parents tell you otherwise, chances are they’re lying. (And to everyone who is about to comment and tell me that their baby really does sleep all night: of course I’m not talking about you. You are more rare than you think. Please stop making the rest of us feel even more tired than we already are.
Unless you’re lying, in which case I am talking about you.)
So is there any hope for sleep-deprived parents? Maybe. Sometimes, the best solution to lack of sleep is a zen mindset of acceptance and patience. Eventually, your baby will not need your help to go back to sleep. Even if he’s an adult insomniac, someday it won’t be your problem any more. In the meantime, you might feel better if you can avoid some of the mistakes I made.
1. Fighting the normal patterns of human sleep. I bet you didn’t know it’s normal for humans to wake at night. In fact, in the Middle Ages (before the invention of electricity and consequent late bedtimes), everyone expected to be awake for a while in the middle of the night. Medical texts of the time refer to the “first sleep” of the evening and “second sleep” after midnight, which were separated by a period of wakefulness. (Most medieval experts recommended using this time for “contemplation and prayer.” Which is probably pretty good advice for us parents, too. You can use the time to pray that your spouse will wake up and take a turn already.) So when your baby wakes up at 2 am and wants to play, he’s not experiencing day-night confusion. He’s just experiencing modern world confusion. His body hasn’t figured out the invention of electricity.
Is there anything you can do about this? Not really, other than keeping the lights off and avoiding playtime as much as possible. But it might make you feel better to know that it’s normal. Unlike your eleven o’clock bedtime.
2. Fighting the baby’s instinct of self-preservation. If you are trying to get your baby to sleep apart from you, you’re fighting your baby’s instincts. Which isn’t to say you can’t teach your baby to sleep alone if you want to. Just be aware that it may be an uphill battle. Unlike some mammals (think bears, wolves, and rats), human babies are not designed to be left alone at all. Ever. Like kangaroos and monkeys, they expect to be carried continually and fed constantly throughout the day and night. A baby left alone will cry because its instincts tell it that any time it doesn’t feel the physical contact of an adult body, it’s vulnerable to predators. So if your baby doesn’t want to be set down, ever, don’t call him high-needs. Call him a person with a strong survival instinct. This is a child who is going to make it through the zombie apocalypse.
3. Misunderstanding the causes of night nursing. Most babies who wake at night want to breastfeed. If they’re not breastfeeding, they want a bottle or a pacifier. This is not necessarily because they’re hungry. It’s because sucking releases calming hormones that help your baby sleep. If you think the nighttime feedings are motivated by hunger, you might be tempted to try starting solids to get your baby to sleep better. But this usually doesn’t work. After the newborn stage, most babies aren’t eating at night because they’re hungry–unless, of course, they’re reverse cycling, or in the middle of a growth spurt, or in a wonder week, or too busy learning to crawl to eat during the day, or getting more exercise and needing more food. Ok, so maybe they are hungry. Who knows?
All of which is to say: it’s hard to know why your baby is waking at night. But just as with anything else, if you try to stop night waking with a solution that doesn’t address the real reason for the wakings, it’s not going to help.
But you could try sucking your own thumb. The calming hormones work for adults too.
4. Wanting a single magic solution. It’s easy to think that if you could just figure out the right solution, your baby would start sleeping all night, every night. In reality, it’s never that simple. There are thousands of reasons why babies wake at night, and sometimes the only real solution is time. It’s frustrating when your neighbor or friend keeps telling you that such-and-such solution is the magic answer to every parent’s sleep problems. But just because it worked for their baby doesn’t mean it will work for yours.
Which isn’t to say you can’t try. The more solutions you try, the better chance that one of them will work, at least for a while. As long as you don’t feel strongly opposed to a particular solution — say, letting your baby cry for long periods — it’s worth a shot. Try The No-Cry Sleep Solution, which has a nice method for reducing the suck-to-sleep association, or Healthy Sleep Habits, Happy Child, which has a lot of different ideas for different parenting styles, or Sleepless in America (my absolute favorite book on sleep), which has a lot of solutions for high-needs babies. Oops, I mean babies with a strong survival instinct. You could even try my free ebook, 20 Baby Sleep Tips You Probably Haven’t Tried Yet, which I wrote after I tried everything.
Or, you could try this magic baby sleeping pill.
5. Thinking you can solve night waking once-for-all. Sleeping all night — or at least going back to sleep without help — is a developmental ability that every child achieves eventually. But even if your child does it once, that doesn’t mean he’ll do it regularly. With most developmental milestones, we expect this pattern. If your baby rolls over once, you say he’s achieved that milestone — even though he may “forget” how to do it and not do it again for weeks. Ditto for walking, talking, and climbing to the top of the bookshelves when you’re not looking. Sleeping long stretches is the same. Most babies will do it once or twice just to tantalize you with the knowledge that they can right before they hit another growth spurt and start waking again because they’re actually hungry. Or because they’re teething and in pain. Or because they had a nightmare. Or because they know you’re in a deep sleep and they want to test your zombie survival skills, which include the ability to wake up quickly in response to sudden noises.
The bright side? You will survive this. Really. On the other side of the mountain of sleep deprivation, there’s a green valley full of bright flowers, peaceful streams, and long nights of sleep. Someday, you’ll look back on the years of night waking and remember them like something in a dream. (Actually a nightmare.) “Sleep problems?” you’ll say, shaking your head like a war veteran. “Let me tell you about sleep problems.”
Yes, it’s hard to imagine now, but someday, your baby’s sleepless nights will be a distant memory. You’ll remember them with something almost like nostalgia. I did it, you’ll say to yourself: I survived the zombie years.
Maybe your baby isn't SUPPOSED to sleep...

...but maybe you COULD do something to sleep better. Enter your name and email to get 20 Baby Sleep Tips You Probably Haven't Tried Yet (including the one that FINALLY worked for my baby)!
I love this post, Lisa. Maybe because of how much I can relate. With my second child I finally stopped trying to fight so hard for sleep, which just made me upset and stressed. At least now I’m just tired instead of tired, upset, and stressed. It’s so good to be reminded that babies waking in the night is normal.
I especially like the advice to try sucking our own thumbs 🙂 And hey!, it could also help a laboring woman bring about another strong contraction. Who knew all the amazing things thumb sucking can do!
You should totally suck your thumb during labor! Lol! I want to hear that birth story. 😉
I think knowing developmentally what is normal for babies really helped me to not sweat the night wakings for sure. I never even tried to get my daughter to sleep through the night really. Just figured it was the way it was meant to be. 🙂 I needed these reminders since I’m getting ready to have my second in a couple months though. 🙂
This should be the first page of every parenting manual: 5 baby sleep mistakes you don’t know you’re making http://t.co/hfH9mgmn
Some great evidence behind sleep. AND IT IS FUNNY!… http://t.co/syGDAcEv
Interesting article on 5 baby sleep mistakes you don’t know you’re making… http://t.co/aTT6u0Xr
Trying to get your baby to sleep? Here’s 5 mistakes you don’t know you’re making: http://t.co/aoc4J7Wk
5 baby sleep mistakes you don’t know you’re making http://t.co/bVG8mDw2
5 baby sleep mistakes you don’t know you’re making: http://t.co/O0n8Y4Ms
It is definitely normal for babies to wake up throughout the night. For Kaiden sleep improved around 17 months… http://t.co/H0ljlfyj
Bunny isn’t high-needs, she just has a strong survival instinct. http://t.co/kOPmSTR2
Sleep is a challenge for almost every parent. Here are some great tips for the early months… http://t.co/YHetqXpe
Our Lily had slept through the night since she was born. She’s over 12 weeks now and goes to sleep at 10 pm and wakes up at 7 am. She’s healthy and not under weight or anything. We’ve been very fortunate to have an easy baby so far. Everything was easy with her. Preg and L&D. She’s wonderful and hardly cries.
THANK YOU for posting this! I am DEFINITELY sharing on my FB wall. I am SO sick of most of the world thinking tiny babies should sleep that long without eating. I mean, I don’t even go that long without starving! jesus… and Melissa, my baby has been the same way. she’s a champ!!
Awesome reassurance on baby sleep (or lack thereof): http://t.co/sxgzpoDT
Parents, don’t beat yourself up! Babies don’t sleep through the night because they aren’t designed to do so! http://t.co/Sz0a19yN @BgoAddy
5 baby sleep mistakes you don’t know you’re making http://t.co/uc5CtHaM
I did the exact opposite of all of this. From day 1 she was in her crib in her room, her pediatrician said at 3 months she no longer required night feedings, and I gave her a chance to put her self back to sleep when she woke up. Our baby is now 8 months old and has been sleeping through the night since she was 3 months old & can put herself back to sleep when she wakes up. I think it all depends on the baby and what YOU teach them early on.
@Pam, I hate to say it, but you need a new pediatrician. 🙁 Sleep training isn’t suggested at all until 6 months and your pediatrician told you no night feedings at 3 months? This is the comment from all parents who sleep train their children like this that drives me crazy. OF COURSE, she’s been sleeping through the night and putting herself to sleep. She learned she didn’t have any other option. It doesn’t mean that’s what she needed, especially at 3 months old. 🙁
Pam, I’m glad you sleep well. Like I said in the article, you are more rare than you think you are. That’s why sleep methods are so popular — because for some babies, none of them work to get better sleep.
I loved your article. I understand what lack of sleep does to people, but to me, you don’t try to change it at the expense of the child (through crying and being left alone for instance). Having said that, when I shared your article with some other peaceful moms, they said they loved your article as well EXCEPT for the recommendation of “Healthy Sleep Habits” because it encourages parents not to feed, rock, or parent their babies to sleep. I haven’t personally read the book, but I know your article was about not doing unhealthy things to get your baby to sleep…
Lisa, I avoided that book for a long time because I’d heard it was pro-sleep training. When I finally read it, I felt it had some good tips in it…it does have sleep training methods, but it also offers “no-cry” methods for every stage and situation. And it has great nap schedules for different ages, which I found very helpful as a tool to help me guess/predict when might be a good time to try for a nap.
I have readers (and friends!) who do sleep train with crying, and I’m ok with all kinds here. 🙂 I think there are a lot of reasons why people make the parenting choices they do. I’m not trying to convince anyone in this article; just hoping to make a few sleep deprived parents feel better and glimpse the light at the end of the tunnel!
Organic Baby Atlanta » Blog Archive » 5 baby sleep mistakes you don’t know you’re making http://t.co/xSZW7rcn
I find this incorrect and misleading….how is sleeping through the night a bad thing? My bub has slept through the night, every single night since she was 2 months old. She is healthy and so happy, everyone who meets her comments on how content she is. Babies sleeping through the night is not as “rare” as you make out, we just have nothing to whinge about so we stay quiet. I agree all bubs are different and not stressing about it would have to help, but are you trying to say that because my daughter sleeps through the night she lacks the will to survive?? thats rubbish!!
I agree. Luckily my little girl started sleeping through the night from 2 months and everyone can’e believe what a chilled out, happy little baby she is. She also went into her own cot from about 8 weeks as she slept better in there than her moses basket. After about 5 weeks old she would cry when you tried to cuddle her too much, so we used to put her on her mat and she loved it, kicking around. She’s a very independant little girl. She’s 6 months now and loves cuddles aswell as playing. x
Love this; “I hate to break it to you, but the real reason he won’t sleep all night is because he’s not supposed… http://t.co/F335OX3u
I could not agree with you more. 14 years ago my first child NEVER slept, She was happy but did not need sleep the way the experts said. She needed me. My second one “slept well:” that is until she developed night terrors at the age of 1.
When moms and friends would ask me when my kids slept through the night I tell them I am still waiting. (My kids are 14, 11, and 8) There is always someone up. The teen stays up late to read and the 8 year old is up early to watch cartoons.
I say laundry can wait sleep while you can.
Have to say I agree with most of this below, I never worried too much about whether my kids ‘slept” through the… http://t.co/o2zXQKeW
5 baby sleep mistakes you don’t know you’re making http://t.co/RwQxG3eI via @organicbabyatl
@hollywills @Amanda_Holden @angellicabell @Jennifalconer @kirstymccabe @msm4rsh http://t.co/J0GGfrOM
I am surprised at how rare it was for my family… our daughter slept through the night the second week home, I had to wake her up to feed her, I would wake up to tears because of engorgement and ended up just pumping since trying to wake her up was just a terror in itself… so when my sisters had moved in with us right before they gave birth it was soo strange that to me that their daughters were up all night (even though I knew it was normal) I only hope that I will be blessed once again with our little man who is to make his appearance in August. If not I am sure i will be at your blogs in the middle of the night for some much needed comedic relief 😀
My first actual comment instead of just telling you in person how much I liked a post! 😉 Miss J started “sleeping through the night” pretty quickly after the first 3 months, and we got really used to it. Now, the last week or so, she’s been waking up 5 and 6 times a night, and it’s almost like she’s a newborn again at 7.5 months except without eating every two hours. But she wakes up at 2 am genuinely hungry. Then she wakes up at 4, grins at us, and starts making her way toward the headboard because she wants to climb. It takes a while to settle her back down. The other times, she just wants her paci. A couple times, she did scream like she was having a night terror, and it was absolutely terrifying for us. How could such a young baby have that and especially with us right there? The sound is painful. I feel more tired right now than I remember feeling when she was new. I’m thinking maybe it’s a growth spurt, but I don’t know. But after reading your post, I’m thinking I’ve been looking at this all wrong:
She just loves us SO MUCH that she is simply trying to test our survival/waking instincts to make sure we will be okay during that zombie apocalypse. What a sweet, thoughtful child we have. 😉
[…] pregnancy, for starters, which is awful, and labor, which is sometimes worse. And then there are long sleepless nights and the awful postpartum body and the constant worry that you’re doing everything […]
Loved it
I love this article – probably the best one I have ever read (I have a 1.5 yr old). I didn’t know about the natural human instinct to wake in the night, and somehow that explains it all. Plus, I co-sleep and my little one still wakes at 2am to nurse – more soothe and eat, so you have done a nice job to put these pieces of the puzzle together. THANK YOU
Aw, thanks. And you’re welcome. And good luck. Everyone will sleep eventually.
Lately I’ve been accidentally falling asleep with my baby every night and then waking up for an hour at 3 am. Thus proving the truth of this night waking thing. I also desperately need a nap at 3 pm, which is also part of the normal pattern of diurnal sleep.
[…] So one afternoon while my daughter was napping, I wrote a post using one of his headlines as a template: 5 Baby Sleep Mistakes You Don’t Know You’re Making. […]
Im just after teaching my son how to fall asleep on him own and I used HWL method by Susan Urban. That this method is like a miracle and inculde yours advices and point of view What is the most important the method is without CIO, so there is no harm for a baby. My son is not even5 months old yet and he already sleep so well! Im so glad! How to teach a baby to fall asleep alone saved my life 😉
Good article!
A great article. I recommend exploring the HWL (hold with love) method from Susan Urban. After reading her guide, I had a completely different view of the child’s sleep. Unfortunately, after trying many other methods as co-sleep and the worst CIO … Well, but what will not kill us, it will strengthen us (so to speak) 😉 after applying advice from ‘how to teach a baby to fall asleep alone’ my little girl after 5 days slept alone in a crib, no nerves, screams and crying! I recommend highly!