There is no nutritional benefit to breastfeeding after twelve months. That’s what the pediatrician said who was interviewed with me on Peachtree TV this morning. (I have no idea whether that quote got aired or not because I haven’t seen the show yet, since it’s not online and I don’t have tv. But she said it in the interview.) I talked to her in the parking lot and got her to agree that her on-air statement wasn’t accurate; what she meant to say is that either breastmilk or formula is essential until twelve months, and after that point it’s no longer necessary. But obviously there’s a huge gap between “no longer essential” and “no benefits at all.”
The pediatrician was trying to argue that breastmilk can’t meet a child’s nutritional needs after twelve months, especially if the child is nursing infrequently (as most toddlers do). But to say that means it’s pointless or unnecessary is just silly. It’s like saying exercise is pointless unless you’re an Olympic athlete. Or organic food is pointless unless you’re never going to eat dessert. Sure, we’d be healthier if we were all Olympic athletes. But just because you everything something to its farthest extreme doesn’t mean it’s not healthy to do a little.
So. What are the benefits of breastfeeding a toddler?
1. Immunity booster. Don’t get me wrong; breastmilk isn’t magic rainbow unicorn dust. Don’t give your kid opened lollipops you got in the mail and claim breastmilk will protect them. Your boobs are not sorceror’s stones, ok? But breastmilk does give your child’s immunity a boost. And your body will sense what germs your toddler has been exposed to and manufacture antibodies while he’s nursing.
2. Ultimate tantrum stopper. Did I say breastmilk is not a magic elixir? I lied. When it comes to tantrums, it is magic rainbow unicorn dust. Actually it has less to do with the milk and more to do with the breasts, which makes sense, since that works for older people too. At least for guys. But for toddlers, it’s a universal cure with no gender bias: pull out the boobs and end tantrums instantly.
Is that a bad way to stop tantrums?
Who cares?
3. Rest opportunity. It lets mama sit still. Or better yet lie down. Hey, you didn’t think this was going to be all benefits for your child, did you? I definitely don’t think extended breastfeeding is something you do for yourself (and as I said in my interview, anybody who thinks extended breastfeeding is for the mom has obviously never nursed a toddler). But of course there are benefits for mom too. And sitting still is a big one. The only other time you get to do that is when you’re on the toilet, and that always gets interrupted.
4. Nutritional needs. Yes, breastmilk has nutritional value. In fact, it provides a large percentage of calcium, protein, fat, and vitamins. For a picky toddler who may or may not eat whatever healthy (or even unhealthy) food you offer him, it’s reassuring to know that breastmilk can round out his nutritional needs nicely. Whether as a supplement to cow milk or a replacement for it, human milk is a great way for a toddler to get calcium and protein. In fact, as new research comes out about toddler’s nutritional needs, a few companies are starting to push toddler formula as a substitute for cow milk during the second year. Most doctors are still saying that’s unnecessary, but human milk? Definitely does a body good.
5. Social development. Don’t take this the wrong way. I don’t want to in any way suggest that babies who are formula fed, or children who are weaned before a year, are less socially developed than nursing toddlers. But I will say this. Children who strongly desire to keep nursing will probably benefit from it socially. Not because it’s magic rainbow juice, but because meeting a child’s need for dependence is what helps him transition to independence. All kids eventually outgrow the need to breastfeed, but different kids outgrow that need at different times. If your child happens to be one of the ones who needs it longer than average, then yes, your child will probably benefit socially and emotionally by having that desire met.
Here’s the thing. Very few mothers sit down with their newborns and think, I’m gonna breastfeed this baby till he’s five. Most of us don’t plan to keep going till our kids hit elementary school. But starting to breastfeed is kind of like starting to read The Hunger Games. You only mean to read the first few pages. But next thing you know, it’s 3 am and you’re online buying the ebook of Catching Fire because you have to know what happens next. Because you just never got to a good stopping place. And for some kids, unless you decide ahead of time that you’re going to stop at a year, or at two years, or whatever arbitrary age you want to choose, there just may not be a good stopping place. Until your child decides he’s ready.
In the meantime, lying down and breastfeeding is a great opportunity to read The Hunger Games.
hahahahaha!!! this is awesome! you are hilarious 🙂 my sister and I love reading your blog! keep up the good work – and GREAT post on nursing. I only have a 2 month old but plan to go as long as she wants! she’s a total rockstar….
Thanks! And congratulations on your baby! Two months is so fun! — starting to smile and become social and stuff. <3
It’s a shame the pediatrician wasn’t able to make herself understood properly on air. I’m sure you did well and I’m looking forward to seeing the video.
I think you’ve helped me realize why I’m not an “attachment parent,” even though I do many of the same things. I guess I just don’t buy into the idea that “meeting a child’s need for dependence” produces independence later on. That’s not to say that children should be pushed to be independent before they are ready, but I believe that learning life skills, which instills confidence, is what produces independence later in life.
Interesting, Kristen! I agree that learning life skills produces independence, but I think that one of the most important skills for independence is being able to meet your own needs for comfort, security, and safety. Being able to take care of yourself and become comfortable in new situations. And I think kids learn that by being taken care of and, well, having their needs for dependence met. There have been a few studies on this…I’ll have to look them up later, but I think there’s some evidence to back up the idea that responding to dependence leads to independence. I have certainly observed it with my kids (have you ever noticed that your kids can play alone very happily after you’ve spent “enough” time focusing on them and giving them your attention? — with “enough” depending on how needy they are feeling?) Just my two cents. 🙂
Hmm, I think we’re talking about two slightly different things there. I do believe kids (and adults!) have real needs for love, affection, and attention, which in my mind don’t equal dependence. I certainly believe in meeting a child’s real needs, and some of the consequences of having those needs met include greater self-confidence and less whiny annoying stuff. 😉 When I think about a “need for dependence,” I think of things other than attention: putting them to sleep, changing their diapers, calming and soothing them, getting them food, paying for toys and clothes and activities, entertaining them… stuff you need to do for them at first, but won’t be doing for them when they’re adults. I think gradually transitioning to letting them do those things for themselves in developmentally appropriate ways is what will instill self-confidence and independence, as opposed to simply doing those things for them. I would think that giving “undue” attention, and doing things for your children that they can do for themselves, promotes continued dependence later in life. I would not be surprised to see studies showing that children whose parents spend some time each day or each week focused on that child individually perform better as adults. I would be surprised to see one showing that teens whose parents pack their lunches for them and hand them their credit cards make a smooth transition to adulthood. As far as my own children go, the one who spent 5 months in my bed is the one that hates to be left alone for 2 minutes and fusses and whines to be held for no reason and gets really annoying when I’m trying to do other things. Not saying that’s due only to being in bed with me, I do think her personality lends itself to that more, but I also think being in my bed encouraged that.
As for breastfeeding, I presume it falls into the category of stuff you won’t be doing for them when they reach adulthood. I don’t see an emotional need to specifically be breastfed, so I guess that’s why I think mother-led weaning is just fine, provided the needs for nutrition and affection are met in other ways. I’m pretty sure you’d agree with that, so I think we are in about 98% agreement here, it’s just the other 2% that seems to make me… well, not exactly an “attachment parent.”
Oh wow…your perspective is super fascinating. This is where my perception of what “AP” mean seems to be really different from what some people perceive it to mean. I agree with you 100%. Except that I think what gives them the confidence and ability to do those things for themselves is having them done for them until they’re ready to do them themselves. When I say “need for dependence,” I guess I mean those things as well as attention, being carried, etc….but I totally agree that they should do them for themselves as soon as they’re capable. When that capability comes is different for every child, although there’s definitely a normal range. And I lean toward having them do it sooner rather than later. For example, Anastasia is four and if she wants something beyond the basic food and clothes we provide, like a special/fancy dress, a toy, or a junky snack, she buys it herself with her own money. She gets an allowance, but the allowance is gradually going to become dependent on her doing chores like sweeping the floor and cleaning her room. Pretty soon she’s going to have to pack her own lunch.
I guess the only point where I would disagree with you is I would think the child being in your bed did NOT contribute to being whiny/unable to self-entertain…I would guess that the reason (s)he was in your bed was because of having that personality. (Avoiding gender because I don’t know which child you’re referring to…haha!) And I would say that being in your bed would help that child outgrow that need for entertainment and help more quickly than sleeping alone.
I am actually working on a post on this exact topic which I hope to publish on Wednesday. So I’ll say more about it then!
I tend to agree with Kristen as far as what produces independence. That’s part of why I like Montessori education so much. I also am concerned that with much of AP advice (not yours, Lisa, but some stuff I have read elsewhere) “meeting their needs” also implies neglecting the mother’s needs. And that is something I can’t get behind.
Basically I think all of this child development stuff, the parenting theories, etc., is fascinating. When we hear about “a child who needs to nurse for longer” – I wonder – what if that child had a mother who wasn’t able to breastfeed, for whatever reason? Surely the parents and child would find another way to meet whatever need is being met by extended breastfeeding. And when we talk about “meeting a child’s needs” – so much of it is open for interpretation. With a baby, we rarely know exactly what they are trying to communicate, so it’s just our best guess. And then, of course, different people will have different ideas about the best way to meet a certain need. Anyway, nothing new under the sun in this comment, just saying that it’s interesting to me.
Amber, you are so right that some of the AP advice ignores or minimizes a mother’s needs. It’s like you’re a bad mother for wanting a good night’s sleep or a 2-hour date with your husband, let alone an aspect of your life that doesn’t revolve around your children.
And I guess I just haven’t seen that in AP, although evidently a lot of people do so I’m probably just ignoring it because I consider that just plain silly. Sure, some AP parents never go out without their kids, but I see that as totally a personal choice, not an AP thing. We started going out without kids as soon as Anastasia could handle it without melting down. For her, that took till she was about 18 months. For Teddy, we started when he was a few weeks (maybe a month?) old, because I could put him to bed early and he would stay asleep for several hours. It was more a matter of waiting till I felt recovered enough to get out of the house than waiting till he was ready! And I consider myself equally AP with both kids — it just plays out very differently because their personalities are so different.
Well I can’t find it right now but I read somethign Dr. Sears wrote on his web site responding to a mother asking when she can go out for “me time” and he encouraged her to take her baby with her, not to leave her baby. It pissed me off soooo much. The tone was very condescending and there was a clear implication that if you want (or NEED! some women have to return to work!) to leave your baby when they are very young, then you are a bad mom. As always I view this through the lens of “How does this sound to moms who have PPD?” Well I know how it sounded to me, because I read it when I was very early in my recovery. It just confirmed my hatred of myself. The fact that I had hired a nanny when Fitz was 7 weeks old (which I will certainly do with Baby #2 as well, PPD or not… but I NEEDED time away in order to work on my recovery, because Fitz was my biggest anxiety trigger) must mean I was a bad mom. Now, of course, I see that it means I am a GOOD mom because I was taking care of myself an dprioritizing my health, because my son needs a healthy mother… not one who is physically present but emotionally absent. But it seems some of the AP advice paints a picture of only one way to be a good mom.
So here’s my theory. I think — well, actually, this is a fact if you say that Sears is the AP guru, and he did coin the term — the whole “AP method” of parenting was invented/discovered in response to a high-needs baby. Sears didn’t cosleep or wear his older kids. Then along came a high-needs child, and suddenly all the self-soothing in the crib and setting the baby down stuff and leaving the baby EVER Did. Not. Work. Because none of that works for a high-needs baby. If you leave a high-needs baby when she’s little, she will be screaming the entire time you’re gone. At the top of her lungs. She won’t scream till she’s tired. She’ll scream for four hours, or six hours, or however long you’re gone. And for a baby like that, if mom can handle it, then yeah, the best thing is for baby to stay close to mom for the first few months. Especially if baby is happy when she’s with mom (some babies just scream all the time, period, in which case GET A BREAK. But if she’s happy with you and miserable with anybody else — which is how Anastasia was — then yeah, it’s hard to leave her).
So basically, I think Sears came up with the AP term to give himself and his wife “permission” to parent that baby differently, in the way she obviously needed.
But then people take all these AP principles and apply them as “shoulds” to normal-needs babies, who are perfectly happy to be set down and be left with other caregivers and even sleep alone. And that’s silly. If your baby is ok with another caregiver, I don’t think it’s anti-AP to leave her with another caregiver! Heck, that’s why babies need a TRIBE. Not a single person.
I was 100% AP with Anastasia, because she was 100% high needs. I responded to her needs, and I ended up doing everything “by the book” AP. I am just as responsive to Teddy, but I set him down all the time, and sometimes he even sleeps in his own bed. And he has already been with a babysitter more than Anastasia was in her whole first year, probably. Because he’s totally fine with all those things. She was not. So to me, AP is about giving yourself permission to meet the needs of a high-needs baby who can’t be set down — not forcing yourself to carry around a baby and never get a break from a baby who would be just fine in a crib or with another caregiver.
Just my take.
I think the kids who “need to nurse longer” are the ones who are still sucking on a thumb or pacifier when they’re four or five. 🙂 Just a guess, but it makes sense, right? They find some way to self-soothe. Which will probably involve sucking. I’m sure that’s what Anastasia would be doing if she weren’t nursing.
It won’t let me reply to your other comment – but I think your idea about where AP came from makes total sense. It definitely helps to feel validated by having “permission” to make certain choices! My issue is that I have seen people extrapolate that AP is *the* right way and if people do things differently they aren’t educated/knowledgeable. I remember reading something on The Leaky B@@b a while ago (back when I still read that site!) where she referred to the way she parented her first child… she said something to the effect of, “I used to leave my baby in her car seat a lot of the time, we did CIO, we used a pacifier, but now I know better.” Seriously?? I have read and heard far too many comments of that nature to believe that it’s all in my head. In fact last night at the home birth meetup someone made a comment where they used the phrase “I know better now” in regard to immediately picking up a crying baby vs. letting them fuss and self-soothe. It’s very hard for me to dissociate all that stuff from AP, even though I try. ANd when I read stuff like what I mentioned about Dr. Sears saying not to leave your baby for “me time,” it becomes even harder, and I guess I will always kind of be on the defensive, or at least apprehensive, when someone I don’t know very well identifies themselves as AP, because unfortunately experience has taught me that person is likely to judge me.
Love this! Ive breastfed all my children for over 24 months and my last for over 4 years until a ds took over..Can’t agree more with your reasoning particularly the ones which benefit the mother! Mind you those benefits are also for the child ..it’s an all around happiness thing!